Praise Be to the Lord of the Gaylaxies

The Mad Preacher climbed onto a party truck, amid glitter and bare shoulders. That was his pulpit. The DJ was just playing „Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. The Mad Preacher raised his hand. The music cut off right in the middle of a word. A thousand people turned around. He grabbed the microphone, looked at them for a moment, and then shouted across the entire street:

Praise be to the Lord who created the universe with over 2 trillion galaxies.

Praise be to the Lord who created the Milky Way with billions of stars.

Praise be to the Lord who created the solar system.

And praise be to the Lord who, after 4.5 billion years of our planet’s existence, created humankind.

Praise be to the Lord who created thousands of animals that engage in same-sex behavior.

And praise be to the Lord who hates and despises this same-sex behavior.

And who knows better than those oh-so-great scholars?!

And praise be to the Lord, who made humans in such a way that homosexuality is in their very nature, in their genes, in their psyche. And who, at the same time, has forbidden this homosexuality. He threatens those who transgress this prohibition with hell.

Praise be to the Lord, who has never described Himself this way and has never forbidden such a thing. But His representatives on earth, the ancient scholars, have laid this down in their books.

Hear, hear, people! The mouthpieces of God on earth have spoken! Our dear scholars have spoken the truth. Hear, hear, people, for their word is an infallible word. For it is a consensus. You can rape female slaves; you may marry off girls who are still children. But woe, woe to you if you love people of your own gender.

Woe, woe to you if you have sexual relations with them. The good Lord will be very angry with you!

Woe to you if you use your neurons!

Woe to you if you use your mind!

Woe to you if you ask questions!

Woe, woe. The dear scholars know perfectly well what the Creator of the two trillion galaxies wants and commands. He has never spoken to them. But hey, who are we to criticize them at all?

You think I’m crazy.

But truly, I tell you: All schools of Islamic law — whether Sunni, Shia, or Ibadite — all say you’re allowed to own female slaves. All say you’re allowed to have sex with these female slaves. And not a single school has yet managed to declare this forbidden. And do you know why? They can’t. Because that would mean calling into question the Quran, the Prophet’s actions, and the consensus of the scholars. And it would actually be really bad to call the consensus into question… oh my…

Thank God for the United Nations conventions. And thank God that Muslim-majority countries were forced to abolish slavery. Forced. In a moment of weakness.

And yes, today they sign declarations against slavery. Do you know how they justify it? Not by saying it was wrong. Slavery no longer exists today, they say; the norm is obsolete. Not evil, just no longer applicable. Not one of them can bring themselves to say this one sentence: Slavery is inherently evil.

I’ll tell you this. Texts were never the problem. Texts can be interpreted in different ways. Texts could even be overcome. Texts could be contextualized. One might think they’re only meant for a specific time.

Buuut the consensus — oh, oh, oh, oh, the consensus — that can’t be questioned. Because then the whole house of cards would collapse.

I ask you: Do you really think so? I mean, just between us. The Creator of this entire universe, perhaps even of multiverses. He created the trillions of galaxies and within them the billions of stars, governed by physical laws that hardly any of us can fathom. I won’t even get started on the quantum levels. He created life, across the entire spectrum of living beings. And this Creator then says that one person is allowed to enslave another and have sex with female slaves without their consent? Do you really believe that?

Those dear scholars tell us that homosexuality is forbidden, that it’s clearly stated in the Quran!

„Clearly” means: God would have simply said, „People, homosexuality is forbidden, and by that I mean this and that.” But He didn’t.

And now you’re surely going to come at me with your favorite story to justify your hatred. The mob in the story of Lot wants to rape the guests. And the Prophet, this desperate man, holds out the women to them. Women. Now think for two seconds; that’s all I ask. If these men had been what you make of them, what kind of offer would that have been, please? Nobody offers women to gay men.

So, what do you tell me now? That the Prophet didn’t know who he was talking to? That he stood before these people and offered them something they couldn’t possibly want, because he had no idea how desire even arises? Or are you reading something into this story that it doesn’t actually tell? You’re turning a prophet into a clueless fool so that your interpretation can live on. So that your hatred has fuel.

Or, and now hold on tight, you’ll say: God let it stand that way. The same God who wired every neuron in your skull, who knows how desire arises because he built it in himself. And this God leaves in his book an offer that he knows full well will come to nothing. He would not have understood his own creation. He is far above what you’re attributing to him here.

So you have a choice, folks. Either the prophet didn’t know the people he was speaking to. Or God doesn’t know His own creation. Or, just between us, the text isn’t even talking about what you claim it is.

Two of these paths lead straight to blasphemy; one leads to reflection. And I can see you running right past the third one.

Does the story of Lot speak of mutual consent? NO.

Does the story of Lot speak of love and relationships? NO.

Did the story of Lot take place in a state governed by the rule of law, in a welfare state, with police and courts? NO.

Did people in Lot’s time have even the faintest idea of what we know today about the human body and its sexuality? NO.

Then how the fuck did you come up with the stupid idea that this story is about homosexuality???

Did God put this affection into these people? Hell yeah.

Does it occur in every country, in every language, in every century, even where it’s punishable by death? Absolutely.

Do penguins, lions, giraffes, and sheep engage in same-sex sex? Over 1,500 species, folks. Over 1,500.

Great. God creates something He deeply despises, and then generously spreads it throughout the animal kingdom. Don’t give me that: „Animals kill, too,” and „Animals mount their mothers.”

I know your answer to that, I can recite it myself. You’ll say it all has a purpose. The lion kills because it has to eat. The animal mounts its mother because it has to reproduce, and inbreeding doesn’t cause it the same problems as it does for us. All right. Makes sense. I’ll take that.

Now explain the other thing to me. Thousands of species. Penguins, lions, giraffes, sheep, dolphins, beetles. What purpose does that serve? Come on. I’m listening.

And listen up, you have exactly two answers, and both of them belong to me.

If you say it has a purpose, then it has a purpose. Then it’s part of the blueprint. Then the One you’re currently praising built it in, and then it’s not a mistake. Research even tells you what that purpose is: bonding, peace within the group, alliances, less conflict.

If you say it serves no purpose, then you’re claiming that God has built something into thousands of species that’s good for absolutely nothing, and that, according to your scholars, God deeply despises it. For millions of years. For no reason.

And please tell me how you came to call that „unnatural.”

„Unnatural” means: it doesn’t occur in nature. But it does occur. It occurs everywhere, ever since animals have existed and ever since humans have existed. So either nature is unnatural, or you’re using a word whose meaning you’ve never looked up.

Or do you perhaps mean: not for having children? Fine, then just say that. And then please be consistent. A man who is infertile: unnatural. A woman after menopause: unnatural. Any sex during pregnancy: unnatural. Every condom, every pill, every night when nothing happens: unnatural. It’s just strange that none of you are calling for hell over any of that.

But the worst part isn’t that you’re using the word incorrectly. The worst part is who you’re insulting with it. When something occurs in creation and you call it „unnatural,” you’re saying that creation is against the Creator. You take something He made and send it back with the note: „Defective. Manufacturing defect. Must be destroyed!” Isn’t that right!

And then the real smart ones come along and compare homosexuality to pedophilia. Or with cannibalism. The truly gifted manage to cram both into a single sentence.

Have you ever actually heard the word „consent”?

I’ll explain it to you very slowly.

Two grown men fuck each other. Both want it. Both know what they’re doing. End of story. There’s no victim here, no matter how hard you look for one.

Someone who abuses a child is doing something completely different, and you know that too. A child cannot consent. Not because they’re not allowed to, but because consent requires knowledge, and a child doesn’t have that knowledge. There’s no will that can be followed. There’s an adult who takes what never belonged to them. That’s not sexuality. That’s a crime.

And what about cannibalism? Why don’t you ask the one who was eaten if they consented? Oh, too late for that now.

And now comes the part you won’t like. „Consent” is precisely the term your oh-so-virtuous scholars never used. They didn’t need it to mount slave girls. Translated into the language you understand, the fatwa read: A slave girl’s hole is a halal hole. Yeah. With Sharia-compliant „evidence.” With the good old consensus of the scholars. I love it.

But now that two adults want each other, suddenly morality comes to mind.

And now I’ll tell you what’s really going on here.

You don’t give a fuck about the image of a wise and loving God who doesn’t contradict Himself. That’s not your concern; it never was. You want distance.

You need „the Other” so you know where you stand. And because „the Other” doesn’t exist the way you need him to, you construct him yourselves. You made him up.

And this fantasy goes so far that you compare people who have denied a prophet, attacked travelers, and raped guests to people who do no harm to anyone. Whose only sin is that they love other people. And that they cannot love or desire in any other way than they were created to.

You do not build your relationship with God on love. Not on deeds that benefit all people. Not on justice. And certainly not on wonder, even though you could look up at two trillion galaxies every night. „Religion” is an identity for you. Nothing more.

And identity is comfortable, folks. Identity costs nothing. You don’t have to change; you just have to categorize yourself. You don’t have to be generous, brave, or just. You just have to belong. A relationship with God would turn your life upside down. An identity leaves you exactly as you are and, on top of that, gives you the warm feeling that you’re doing the right thing.

And an identity needs a boundary. It needs „them over there,” otherwise it doesn’t know who it is. That’s exactly why a God who loves everyone is of no use to you at all. Because He doesn’t tell you who you’re better than.

So you make a list. A catalog of things that define a Muslim. Beard or no beard. Meat with the right stamp. No beer. A certain style of clothing. A list of clichés. And right at the top: who fucks whom.

And now take a look at everything that’s not on this list. It doesn’t say: Don’t humiliate anyone. It doesn’t say: Don’t speak ill of people you’ve never met. It doesn’t say: Don’t let your neighbor go hungry. And do you know why not? Because you can’t see that from the outside. The list only includes what can be controlled. Everything else is impractical.

And that’s why, of all things, other people’s sexuality ranks so high. Because it costs you nothing. You’re not gay, so this commandment is free for you. You get to be pious without paying for it, because someone else always ends up footing the bill. That’s the cheapest commandment in the world.

And that other person you’ve built up in your minds? He’s been sitting in your pew for twenty years. He prays next to you. He shook your hand when your mother died. You just never asked him.

Until one day he was no longer there. Until he silently lost his faith. Or until he took his own life, disappointed by you, left alone with a guilt that was never his.

And then you stood at his grave and wondered what on earth had gotten into him.

Oh, right, sorry. You don’t pray for someone like that. Anyone who takes their own life doesn’t get a prayer from you. Hell awaits him, you say, and you say it out loud. So that the others can hear it. Because it’s not about him at all. It’s about those who are still here.

But perhaps the grill over there is more merciful than your sharp tongues, which are already devouring souls right here.

Praise be to God, who is no monster.

Praise be to God, who is no idol and no puppet whose mouth you move.

Praise be to God, who has made the sound heart the only measure when nothing else matters anymore.

Praise be to God, who stands on the side of the oppressed and the persecuted.

Praise be to God, who despises nothing that he himself has made.

You gay men. You lesbians. You bisexuals. You pansexuals. You trans people. You intersex people. You non-binary people. You asexual people. And all of you for whom they haven’t yet found a word to label you with.

Don’t let them sway you.

God loves you.

Live your lives. And don’t let the clueless make you sad.

He turned around and called out to the DJ: Keep going. The beat came back, right at the part where Lady Gaga sings:

I’m beautiful in my way
’Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don’t hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you’re set

— Lady Gaga, „Born This Way”, 2011